The fall wasn't so minor after all

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I fell back at the end of September. That same day I went to the doctor and it seemed that everything was fine with the pregnancy. A week later, that all changed. I wrote two emails updating friends and family about the situation as it was happening. Rather than rewrite for my blog, I am just going to post those emails as is.

This first email is dated October 8:

Hi family and friends,

Sorry if I have been MIA. I am on bed rest for a little while. Below are the details about how this came to be.

Last Tuesday - I fell down 8 stairs. We all know I should be placed in a bubble. :)

Saturday - I had a little bit of spotting.

Monday - fainted (almost). I would have if I didn't hang onto a door but still collapsed to the floor. I called my OB and she told me that my body is telling me to rest so take the day off.

Tuesday - woke up and there was some spotting. I called my doctor again and she told me to come in to get an exam. Went in and the spotting had stopped, but she sent me to the specialist anyway because it looked like my cervix is shorter than they would like it to be. We went to the specialist and she said that all was good. She sent me home to rest. I was put on bed rest until 72 hrs after the bleeding stops and asked to come back in 2 weeks to remeasure the length.

Tuesday night - the wrath of God came down on my uterus. I can't imagine being in more pain. Oh the cramping! I was screaming and crying. I honestly don't know if labor is worse than what I was experiencing. The pain caused me to vomit and I was bleeding a bunch. It was a nightmare. We called the doctor who said there was nothing we can do, but if we want go into the doctor in the morning.

Wednesday - woke up with A LOT of bleeding. I was going to go to ER but decided I would probably catch swine flu so instead we waited for the doc to open. :) We ended up going to the specialist who found the source of the bleeding.

The Doctor's response:
The good news - If you are going to bleed, the bleeding is coming from the best place possible. It has nothing to do with the cervix, placenta or the sac. It is coming from the opposite side on the uterine wall. He was even able to see the cramping on the ultrasound. We don't know why it is happening (maybe the fall, but not sure), but it looks like it is starting to congeal.
The not so good news - Basically, when you have cramping and bleeding you are labeled a "threatened miscarriage." He said that it means things are in God's hands now. I am either going to 1. pass the clot or my body will reabsorb the blood which is what we want or 2. I am going to miscarry. It is 50/50 at this point.
The better news - He is optimistic that things will be okay based on where the bleeding is coming from. He said that if it was the cervix, placenta or the sac that would be a definite miscarriage, but we are not in that category. In fact, my cervix looked great yesterday!

Thursday - today I am 14 weeks. The baby looks strong and perfect despite the bleeding in the uterus. It is the right size, all the organs look good so we know the lil' bean is strong.

So now, we wait and I rest. Shelli (mother-in-law) flew down and is taking good care of me until Saturday and may fly down again next week.

My pain is significant, but bearable. I am still bleeding, but the worst part is the waiting. I am nervous, but hoping for the best. My dad called me (I know!) and he told me that my mom had horrible cramping when pregnant with my brother. So much so that they went to the hospital every week. That news actually pacified me a bit. My brother was born 6 weeks early, but he was fine.

That's the story. I promise to keep you updated.

Please keep the lil' bean in your thoughts. Feel free to call or stop by. I'm not going anywhere. :)

xoxo,
Sam

Present and Absent: Fears and Felicitations

One of my biggest fears has been to tell people about my pregnancy. I guess because my mom isn't here and my dad seems to care less I figured why would other people be interested. I mean, my mom and dad are the ones who are supposed to be the most excited besides me. If I can't/don't have their enthusiasm why would or should anyone else care?

These thoughts are unfounded. My in-laws, all of them (mom, dad, sister, brother) couldn't be more excited. Yet for some reason, I still feel a huge void. In my convoluted brain I turned their interest into the thought - Oh, they are happy because their son/brother is having a baby and not because we are. Nothing could be further from the truth. Logically, I know that.

My in-laws could not be more amazing or loving. They call me their NBD (non-biological daughter). My mother-in-law and I talk almost every day. We are very close. Yet something is making it hard for me to accept their love. In fact, I find myself snapping at my mother-in-law for no good reason.

The reason isn't good, but it is clear. I get irritated with the love because it is not coming from MY mom. Unfortunately, I am putting up a wall because I am grieving for my mom. Being pregnant, so may things seem to evoke the thought of her. The more I miss her, the less I want help from others.

I even found it difficult to tell my extended family. Weekly, my mother-in-law would ask if I told my aunt. I would get so irked at the question because I had no intention of telling her. All I could think about was - Why would she care?

Guess what?

She did care!

Everyone has cared. They care more than I ever could have imagined.

My aunt sent me multiple emails about how she is still smiling from the news. My other aunt wrote me a long email congratulating us. Later in the hour I got another email from her about going through this without a mom. It was the most touching email I have ever received. Both of these aunts in particular lost their mom at a young age. If anyone understands what I am going through it is them.

The great response from my aunts made me feel so loved and less fearful. Over the weekend, Lar and I decided to post our due date on Facebook. I could not believe how many well wishes we got from the news. People I haven't spoken to in years were more excited than my dad was. People do care! It seems so dumb that I am excited by comments on Facebook, but it really did make me feel more loved and excited about this process.

The journey has been psychologically and emotionally life changing. Being pregnant is a constant reminder of my mom's presence and absence. I used to think about her on special occasions or at random moments. Now I think of her everyday. Little things bring her to mind.

• Did she have food aversions?
• Did she have gas?
• What would she say to my dad about the way he is acting?
• What would she say to me?
• What advice would she have about the pregnancy?
• When Larry works late nights would she have come over to hang out with me?
• Would she have been the one to go with me to the doctor when I fell?

Never have I been more aware of my mom. Never has she felt so far away.

I am using this time to listen and grow. To be vulnerable and strong. To accept love and give love.

Be Careful

We live in a 4 story rental in Sherman Oaks. We also have a 50 lb German Shephard mix named Sherman. Sherman is a little over a year old and is still learning how to use his breaks.

On Tuesday mornings I have a 7am pilates client. As usual, I woke up at 6am to get ready, walk the dog and have ample time for breakfast. Before I went downstairs Lar asked me to wake him before my client arrived. He likes to go to the gym 3 mornings a week and this was one of them.

At 6:40am I went upstairs to wake him up. Sherman, of course, was right by my side to celebrate in this activity. He likes to lick Larry awake. By 6:45 I was on my way downstairs. I wanted to get a little workout in before my client came.

Sherman follows me like a shadow. Usually when going up or down stairs I make him go first out of fear of falling. This time I was in such a hurry that I ran down the stairs without a care. Suddenly, I heard Sherman barreling behind me.

I stopped to brace for him to run by.

He didn't!

Instead he plowed right into the back of my legs and knocked me down the stairs.

The first thing to go through my mind was fall on your back, not your stomach. As I was falling I reached for the wall to get my balance. No luck. With my arms pulled back behind me I tumbled down 8 stairs. I heard a noise come from my left arm (which I just had surgery on in June) and seconds later I was on the main floor. Screaming and in tears.

My first though was my shoulder. I couldn't believe it had popped. The pain was incredible. I called my physical therapist (I work at a physical therapy studio) and told her what happened. Her first question was, "how is the baby?" OMG, I hadn't even thought about the baby. I was in shock and my shoulder was hurting me so bad that the lil' bean didn't even cross my mind.

As luck would have it, I had an appointment at 9:45am with my shoulder surgeon. Around 8:30am I called the OBGYN to see if I could take Tylenol for my pain. When I told them I fell down they asked me to come to the office as soon as possible. Another OMG! I can't believe that they are so worried. I can't believe I wasn't so worried. Now, I was worried.

My best friend was kind enough to meet me half way and drive me to my drs appointments so that I would not have to go alone. First stop, the orthopedist. We waited about 45 mins to get into his exam room. The exam was about 5 mins. Once I told him I was preggo he said that there was nothing he could do. His quote, "I'll see you in 9 mos." Basically, there was no use in worrying me about anything that could be wrong with my shoulder because nothing could be done to fix it right now.

Okay, off to the next appointment.

The wait for the OB was about 30 minutes once I got there. However, it felt like 4 hours. Luckily, I had my best friend's little daughter to hang out with. She kept me entertained with games like ring-around-the rosy, the hokey pokey and Prince and Princess make believe. That definitely helped pass the time.

Long story short, I went into the exam room and had an ultrasound. Immediately, we saw the baby's heartbeat. Everything was okay!

I guess the plus side to the story is that I got another picture of the lil' bean.

My note to anyone who has any tendency of being accident prone is to be careful and always let your dog walk downstairs or upstairs before you do.

A lime!

Last time I posted a visual of the baby's size compared to a quarter it was just a tiny poppyseed.

Well, now it is about the size of a lime! Actually a little bigger (maybe) because this Baby Center update is a four days old.

The BEST side effect

So many people have asked me if I have any cravings. My general answer is no. However I do have crazy aversions. The thought, smell and/or taste of chicken makes me want to gag. The smell of Benihana restaurant, sadly, is nauseating to me. The smell of seafood of any kind must be avoided at all costs. On a plus note, I no longer have an aversion to my husband! Basically, I like beef, pasta and tofu. I have however, had one craving that I was afraid to submit to.

For the last 5 years I have been severely lactose intolerant. I mean so much so that I wouldn't dare have a bit of dairy. No cheese, no ice cream, no milk, no nothing. Early on in my pregnancy I wanted cheese. Not my normal soy cheese but the real deal. After a few weeks of avoiding the craving at all cost I finally decided to give in. And I am so glad I did! I had no negative side effect from eating the cheese. In fact, it finally sated my craving.

I told this to my OB/GYN at my 11 week appointment. She said it was completely normal for lactose intolerance to reverse itself during pregnancy. Apparently the baby needs calcium and it's needs trump my body's needs right now.

Look out dairy, because here I come! Already I have enjoyed gelato, string cheese, grilled cheese, yogurt, cream cheese and more. I cannot wait to try some other delicious dairy delights that I have not had in years. Chocolate malted crunch ice cream, a mint chocolate chip sundae from 31 flavors, ravioli, manicotti, cheesecake, oh my!!!

11 week ultrasound

Going into the appointment we really didn't know what to expect except that we would see something. I was so nervous. For two days leading up to the visit I felt too good. It seemed that I had absolutely no symptoms of pregnancy. Of course, I went to worst case scenario that something must be wrong with the baby.

Happily, the baby is awesome! The lil' bean was waving and kicking and tossing and turning all over the place. We were able to make out the nose and mouth. We were able to see the heartbeat and it was the perfect size for where we are at.

Below is a picture. The lil' one was not as photogenic in the printout as he was in the actual ultrasound, but we hear that's normal. To quote Larry, "not to be a bad parent, but this really isn't a good picture of the kid."

Catching up

It has been about a month since my last post. Exhaustion got the best of me during the first trimester. Rather than write in my down time, I chose to nap! :)

I'll try to post as much as I can about what I missed. Please be advised that some details may be skewed or forgotten due to pregnancy brain. Well, let's just start there.

As of this week I am almost out of my first trimester. Everyone experiences pregnancy differently. In my first trimester, I have found that pregnancy makes me forget things, drop things, repeat things, forget things, mourn my losses, emotional, grateful, tired, pee a lot, hungry, my back hurt and more.

• The forgetfulness and clumsiness makes me laugh. I have to write important things down or else they disappear into the ether. I have tripped up and down the stairs more times than I care to admit. I now buy the nail polish when I get a pedicure because I stub my toes so often and need to touch up the paint. I dial phone numbers only to forget who I called while the phone is ringing. I have gone to the market for groceries (with a list) and I still end up missing items when I get home. Hmm, I forgot the other example I wanted to give. Oh well!

• The mourning deserves its own post. I will write about that next or very soon.

• My emotional state is all over the charts. I can cry at the drop of a hat or explode into laughter. I go from feeling fat and depressed to feeling like a beautiful goddess. I generally feel most beautiful after an ultrasound. There is nothing like seeing the baby moving and kicking. At 11 weeks it looked like a real baby! I expected to be overwhelmed but had no idea it would be so touching. Even Larry was taken aback by the lil' bean.

• This time has really made me appreciate the wonderful people in my life. I am so grateful for my amazing husband. I cannot imagine anyone being more loving, attentive and understanding. I also had no idea how much love surrounded me. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in the loss of my mom or the estrangement from my dad, so much so that I forget to be excited about the pregnancy. I have been hesitant to tell people because it will make me vulnerable or what if no one responds. Well, the exact opposite is the case. People are so excited! It is nice to be out of the 3rd month. Telling people has been one of my greatest joys to date.

• I have already touched on the exhaustion

• OMG, I thought that getting up once a night to pee was bad. Now that I am pregnant I wish I only woke up once a night. So far my record is 7 times!

• The eating! I must say it is tough to get used to the eating. They say you only need 300 extra calories a day but it is easy to exceed that suggestion. I seem to be hungry every 2 hours. I have learned that small meals are the way to go. Plus, getting too full feels awful. The hardest thing about the eating is the aversions. I do not have any cravings, but there are plenty of foods that make my stomach turn at the thought of them.

• My back is a whole other situation. I am not really even showing and I haven't gained much weight (4 lbs), but my back is killing me! If I exercise and stretch it hurts less, but man oh man, it scares me for later on when I actually have a tummy.

I will touch on a lot of these subjects in individual posts at some point or another. This was just a quick summary of what's been going on.