The fall wasn't so minor after all

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I fell back at the end of September. That same day I went to the doctor and it seemed that everything was fine with the pregnancy. A week later, that all changed. I wrote two emails updating friends and family about the situation as it was happening. Rather than rewrite for my blog, I am just going to post those emails as is.

This first email is dated October 8:

Hi family and friends,

Sorry if I have been MIA. I am on bed rest for a little while. Below are the details about how this came to be.

Last Tuesday - I fell down 8 stairs. We all know I should be placed in a bubble. :)

Saturday - I had a little bit of spotting.

Monday - fainted (almost). I would have if I didn't hang onto a door but still collapsed to the floor. I called my OB and she told me that my body is telling me to rest so take the day off.

Tuesday - woke up and there was some spotting. I called my doctor again and she told me to come in to get an exam. Went in and the spotting had stopped, but she sent me to the specialist anyway because it looked like my cervix is shorter than they would like it to be. We went to the specialist and she said that all was good. She sent me home to rest. I was put on bed rest until 72 hrs after the bleeding stops and asked to come back in 2 weeks to remeasure the length.

Tuesday night - the wrath of God came down on my uterus. I can't imagine being in more pain. Oh the cramping! I was screaming and crying. I honestly don't know if labor is worse than what I was experiencing. The pain caused me to vomit and I was bleeding a bunch. It was a nightmare. We called the doctor who said there was nothing we can do, but if we want go into the doctor in the morning.

Wednesday - woke up with A LOT of bleeding. I was going to go to ER but decided I would probably catch swine flu so instead we waited for the doc to open. :) We ended up going to the specialist who found the source of the bleeding.

The Doctor's response:
The good news - If you are going to bleed, the bleeding is coming from the best place possible. It has nothing to do with the cervix, placenta or the sac. It is coming from the opposite side on the uterine wall. He was even able to see the cramping on the ultrasound. We don't know why it is happening (maybe the fall, but not sure), but it looks like it is starting to congeal.
The not so good news - Basically, when you have cramping and bleeding you are labeled a "threatened miscarriage." He said that it means things are in God's hands now. I am either going to 1. pass the clot or my body will reabsorb the blood which is what we want or 2. I am going to miscarry. It is 50/50 at this point.
The better news - He is optimistic that things will be okay based on where the bleeding is coming from. He said that if it was the cervix, placenta or the sac that would be a definite miscarriage, but we are not in that category. In fact, my cervix looked great yesterday!

Thursday - today I am 14 weeks. The baby looks strong and perfect despite the bleeding in the uterus. It is the right size, all the organs look good so we know the lil' bean is strong.

So now, we wait and I rest. Shelli (mother-in-law) flew down and is taking good care of me until Saturday and may fly down again next week.

My pain is significant, but bearable. I am still bleeding, but the worst part is the waiting. I am nervous, but hoping for the best. My dad called me (I know!) and he told me that my mom had horrible cramping when pregnant with my brother. So much so that they went to the hospital every week. That news actually pacified me a bit. My brother was born 6 weeks early, but he was fine.

That's the story. I promise to keep you updated.

Please keep the lil' bean in your thoughts. Feel free to call or stop by. I'm not going anywhere. :)

xoxo,
Sam

Missing Mom

Last night was the first time that I felt overwhelmingly sad about going through this process without my mom.

After watching, "The Perfect Storm," I fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours. I woke up, not because I felt refreshed, but because of horrible cramping. One of my least favorite 1st trimester symptoms is the constant cramping. My OB said it was perfectly normal, especially because I cramped before pregnancy. She said that the uterus does what it knows and mine knows cramping.

As I was tossing and turning on the couch trying to find a comfortable position, all I wanted was to call my mom and just talk. I wanted to talk about nothing and everything but at least have her there to tell her how I was feeling and to get her advice. Did she have the same cramping during pregnancy? Would she laugh at my stories of nonsensical hysterics, especially considering I don't usually cry?

Just to spend a couple of minutes or longer on the phone to share. That's it. Sadly, I will never have that. I don't get my mom. I don't get to share this experience with her. I don't get to call her when I feel like no one else understands me specifically. That option is not available. What is available is her memory and deciding for myself what she would say to me during the times I would need her most. Sometimes that is enough. Last night it wasn't.

Sometimes I just wish. I wish that she could come over and hang with me on the couch or that I could go visit her; just her presence, she wouldn't even need to do anything, just be there. It doesn't matter how old I am or what phase of life I may be in, I'll always miss my mommy. Today, I am sad that she cannot share in what the lives of her children and extended family have to offer.

I also miss my Grandma Pearl very much right now. When the three of us (Pearl, Max and Sam) would hang out, we always had the greatest time. Sometimes it is weird because I feel like I have no one left in my maternal line. But I am left and I have a wonderful cousin Erica (my mom's niece) who may as well have been my mom's daughter. I think it is time to establish more of a relationship with her.