Missing Mom

Last night was the first time that I felt overwhelmingly sad about going through this process without my mom.

After watching, "The Perfect Storm," I fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours. I woke up, not because I felt refreshed, but because of horrible cramping. One of my least favorite 1st trimester symptoms is the constant cramping. My OB said it was perfectly normal, especially because I cramped before pregnancy. She said that the uterus does what it knows and mine knows cramping.

As I was tossing and turning on the couch trying to find a comfortable position, all I wanted was to call my mom and just talk. I wanted to talk about nothing and everything but at least have her there to tell her how I was feeling and to get her advice. Did she have the same cramping during pregnancy? Would she laugh at my stories of nonsensical hysterics, especially considering I don't usually cry?

Just to spend a couple of minutes or longer on the phone to share. That's it. Sadly, I will never have that. I don't get my mom. I don't get to share this experience with her. I don't get to call her when I feel like no one else understands me specifically. That option is not available. What is available is her memory and deciding for myself what she would say to me during the times I would need her most. Sometimes that is enough. Last night it wasn't.

Sometimes I just wish. I wish that she could come over and hang with me on the couch or that I could go visit her; just her presence, she wouldn't even need to do anything, just be there. It doesn't matter how old I am or what phase of life I may be in, I'll always miss my mommy. Today, I am sad that she cannot share in what the lives of her children and extended family have to offer.

I also miss my Grandma Pearl very much right now. When the three of us (Pearl, Max and Sam) would hang out, we always had the greatest time. Sometimes it is weird because I feel like I have no one left in my maternal line. But I am left and I have a wonderful cousin Erica (my mom's niece) who may as well have been my mom's daughter. I think it is time to establish more of a relationship with her.

Let's try without trying

Two days ago (August 4) I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I decided in May that we would "have fun"after my shoulder surgery, which was June 17. By "have fun" we meant, let's go off of the pill, but not actively work at getting pregnant. If it happens it happens. Well, it happened and it happened fast. After only the first month of "having fun" we have conceived.

Actually, I am not quite as excited as I feel like I should be. With so many friends who have miscarried their first, I find myself more nervous than anything. I'd say we are cautiously optimistic at this point.

That being said, we feel so lucky that this has happened so quickly. I don't know if every woman feels this way, but I was scared for so long that I would not be able to get pregnant. Obviously this was unfounded, but you don't know what you don't know. Up until now, I haven't tried to get pregnant so I had no idea if I could.

With 2 nieces and 4 nephews (well, almost 4 -- Kyle is due next week), I used to think I was better prepared for this process. Ends up, I'm not. I had no idea that I would already have so many questions. Unfortunately, my mom passed away almost 10 years ago, so I feel a bit disadvantaged when it comes to asking questions. Basically, my maternal line is almost non-existent. While I know I have friends and amazing family members that I can ask about the experience, there is nothing like your mom. Now while celebrating the journey of bringing a baby to life, I also mourn my mother more than ever.

I have just figured out why I am writing. This blog is about preparing to be a mommy and going through it without my mommy. I have titled this blog "Sweet Pea and Me" because my mom and grandma called me Sweet Pea.