Present and Absent: Fears and Felicitations

One of my biggest fears has been to tell people about my pregnancy. I guess because my mom isn't here and my dad seems to care less I figured why would other people be interested. I mean, my mom and dad are the ones who are supposed to be the most excited besides me. If I can't/don't have their enthusiasm why would or should anyone else care?

These thoughts are unfounded. My in-laws, all of them (mom, dad, sister, brother) couldn't be more excited. Yet for some reason, I still feel a huge void. In my convoluted brain I turned their interest into the thought - Oh, they are happy because their son/brother is having a baby and not because we are. Nothing could be further from the truth. Logically, I know that.

My in-laws could not be more amazing or loving. They call me their NBD (non-biological daughter). My mother-in-law and I talk almost every day. We are very close. Yet something is making it hard for me to accept their love. In fact, I find myself snapping at my mother-in-law for no good reason.

The reason isn't good, but it is clear. I get irritated with the love because it is not coming from MY mom. Unfortunately, I am putting up a wall because I am grieving for my mom. Being pregnant, so may things seem to evoke the thought of her. The more I miss her, the less I want help from others.

I even found it difficult to tell my extended family. Weekly, my mother-in-law would ask if I told my aunt. I would get so irked at the question because I had no intention of telling her. All I could think about was - Why would she care?

Guess what?

She did care!

Everyone has cared. They care more than I ever could have imagined.

My aunt sent me multiple emails about how she is still smiling from the news. My other aunt wrote me a long email congratulating us. Later in the hour I got another email from her about going through this without a mom. It was the most touching email I have ever received. Both of these aunts in particular lost their mom at a young age. If anyone understands what I am going through it is them.

The great response from my aunts made me feel so loved and less fearful. Over the weekend, Lar and I decided to post our due date on Facebook. I could not believe how many well wishes we got from the news. People I haven't spoken to in years were more excited than my dad was. People do care! It seems so dumb that I am excited by comments on Facebook, but it really did make me feel more loved and excited about this process.

The journey has been psychologically and emotionally life changing. Being pregnant is a constant reminder of my mom's presence and absence. I used to think about her on special occasions or at random moments. Now I think of her everyday. Little things bring her to mind.

• Did she have food aversions?
• Did she have gas?
• What would she say to my dad about the way he is acting?
• What would she say to me?
• What advice would she have about the pregnancy?
• When Larry works late nights would she have come over to hang out with me?
• Would she have been the one to go with me to the doctor when I fell?

Never have I been more aware of my mom. Never has she felt so far away.

I am using this time to listen and grow. To be vulnerable and strong. To accept love and give love.

Be Careful

We live in a 4 story rental in Sherman Oaks. We also have a 50 lb German Shephard mix named Sherman. Sherman is a little over a year old and is still learning how to use his breaks.

On Tuesday mornings I have a 7am pilates client. As usual, I woke up at 6am to get ready, walk the dog and have ample time for breakfast. Before I went downstairs Lar asked me to wake him before my client arrived. He likes to go to the gym 3 mornings a week and this was one of them.

At 6:40am I went upstairs to wake him up. Sherman, of course, was right by my side to celebrate in this activity. He likes to lick Larry awake. By 6:45 I was on my way downstairs. I wanted to get a little workout in before my client came.

Sherman follows me like a shadow. Usually when going up or down stairs I make him go first out of fear of falling. This time I was in such a hurry that I ran down the stairs without a care. Suddenly, I heard Sherman barreling behind me.

I stopped to brace for him to run by.

He didn't!

Instead he plowed right into the back of my legs and knocked me down the stairs.

The first thing to go through my mind was fall on your back, not your stomach. As I was falling I reached for the wall to get my balance. No luck. With my arms pulled back behind me I tumbled down 8 stairs. I heard a noise come from my left arm (which I just had surgery on in June) and seconds later I was on the main floor. Screaming and in tears.

My first though was my shoulder. I couldn't believe it had popped. The pain was incredible. I called my physical therapist (I work at a physical therapy studio) and told her what happened. Her first question was, "how is the baby?" OMG, I hadn't even thought about the baby. I was in shock and my shoulder was hurting me so bad that the lil' bean didn't even cross my mind.

As luck would have it, I had an appointment at 9:45am with my shoulder surgeon. Around 8:30am I called the OBGYN to see if I could take Tylenol for my pain. When I told them I fell down they asked me to come to the office as soon as possible. Another OMG! I can't believe that they are so worried. I can't believe I wasn't so worried. Now, I was worried.

My best friend was kind enough to meet me half way and drive me to my drs appointments so that I would not have to go alone. First stop, the orthopedist. We waited about 45 mins to get into his exam room. The exam was about 5 mins. Once I told him I was preggo he said that there was nothing he could do. His quote, "I'll see you in 9 mos." Basically, there was no use in worrying me about anything that could be wrong with my shoulder because nothing could be done to fix it right now.

Okay, off to the next appointment.

The wait for the OB was about 30 minutes once I got there. However, it felt like 4 hours. Luckily, I had my best friend's little daughter to hang out with. She kept me entertained with games like ring-around-the rosy, the hokey pokey and Prince and Princess make believe. That definitely helped pass the time.

Long story short, I went into the exam room and had an ultrasound. Immediately, we saw the baby's heartbeat. Everything was okay!

I guess the plus side to the story is that I got another picture of the lil' bean.

My note to anyone who has any tendency of being accident prone is to be careful and always let your dog walk downstairs or upstairs before you do.