Present and Absent: Fears and Felicitations

One of my biggest fears has been to tell people about my pregnancy. I guess because my mom isn't here and my dad seems to care less I figured why would other people be interested. I mean, my mom and dad are the ones who are supposed to be the most excited besides me. If I can't/don't have their enthusiasm why would or should anyone else care?

These thoughts are unfounded. My in-laws, all of them (mom, dad, sister, brother) couldn't be more excited. Yet for some reason, I still feel a huge void. In my convoluted brain I turned their interest into the thought - Oh, they are happy because their son/brother is having a baby and not because we are. Nothing could be further from the truth. Logically, I know that.

My in-laws could not be more amazing or loving. They call me their NBD (non-biological daughter). My mother-in-law and I talk almost every day. We are very close. Yet something is making it hard for me to accept their love. In fact, I find myself snapping at my mother-in-law for no good reason.

The reason isn't good, but it is clear. I get irritated with the love because it is not coming from MY mom. Unfortunately, I am putting up a wall because I am grieving for my mom. Being pregnant, so may things seem to evoke the thought of her. The more I miss her, the less I want help from others.

I even found it difficult to tell my extended family. Weekly, my mother-in-law would ask if I told my aunt. I would get so irked at the question because I had no intention of telling her. All I could think about was - Why would she care?

Guess what?

She did care!

Everyone has cared. They care more than I ever could have imagined.

My aunt sent me multiple emails about how she is still smiling from the news. My other aunt wrote me a long email congratulating us. Later in the hour I got another email from her about going through this without a mom. It was the most touching email I have ever received. Both of these aunts in particular lost their mom at a young age. If anyone understands what I am going through it is them.

The great response from my aunts made me feel so loved and less fearful. Over the weekend, Lar and I decided to post our due date on Facebook. I could not believe how many well wishes we got from the news. People I haven't spoken to in years were more excited than my dad was. People do care! It seems so dumb that I am excited by comments on Facebook, but it really did make me feel more loved and excited about this process.

The journey has been psychologically and emotionally life changing. Being pregnant is a constant reminder of my mom's presence and absence. I used to think about her on special occasions or at random moments. Now I think of her everyday. Little things bring her to mind.

• Did she have food aversions?
• Did she have gas?
• What would she say to my dad about the way he is acting?
• What would she say to me?
• What advice would she have about the pregnancy?
• When Larry works late nights would she have come over to hang out with me?
• Would she have been the one to go with me to the doctor when I fell?

Never have I been more aware of my mom. Never has she felt so far away.

I am using this time to listen and grow. To be vulnerable and strong. To accept love and give love.