Missing Mom

Last night was the first time that I felt overwhelmingly sad about going through this process without my mom.

After watching, "The Perfect Storm," I fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours. I woke up, not because I felt refreshed, but because of horrible cramping. One of my least favorite 1st trimester symptoms is the constant cramping. My OB said it was perfectly normal, especially because I cramped before pregnancy. She said that the uterus does what it knows and mine knows cramping.

As I was tossing and turning on the couch trying to find a comfortable position, all I wanted was to call my mom and just talk. I wanted to talk about nothing and everything but at least have her there to tell her how I was feeling and to get her advice. Did she have the same cramping during pregnancy? Would she laugh at my stories of nonsensical hysterics, especially considering I don't usually cry?

Just to spend a couple of minutes or longer on the phone to share. That's it. Sadly, I will never have that. I don't get my mom. I don't get to share this experience with her. I don't get to call her when I feel like no one else understands me specifically. That option is not available. What is available is her memory and deciding for myself what she would say to me during the times I would need her most. Sometimes that is enough. Last night it wasn't.

Sometimes I just wish. I wish that she could come over and hang with me on the couch or that I could go visit her; just her presence, she wouldn't even need to do anything, just be there. It doesn't matter how old I am or what phase of life I may be in, I'll always miss my mommy. Today, I am sad that she cannot share in what the lives of her children and extended family have to offer.

I also miss my Grandma Pearl very much right now. When the three of us (Pearl, Max and Sam) would hang out, we always had the greatest time. Sometimes it is weird because I feel like I have no one left in my maternal line. But I am left and I have a wonderful cousin Erica (my mom's niece) who may as well have been my mom's daughter. I think it is time to establish more of a relationship with her.

Tired With a Chance of Smell Aversion

I am in my 8th week of pregnancy and have to say that I have been relatively lucky when it comes to nausea, food aversions, or other symptoms that can plague women in their first trimester. The most difficult thing for me is the exhaustion. Between 2 - 5 pm my world stops and I must take a nap. I generally don't have another option, it just is the way it is.

The newest addition in my arsenal of oddities are aversions to certain smells. I have heard and read about women who cannot do chicken or certain foods. I have friends who had to get rid of all the scented candles in their house. However, until now I have never heard of an aversion so crazy as my own.

In fact, I have two aversions. The first is not so bad. I simply cannot stand the smell of Benihana Restaurant. When I walk by or if I walk inside I have to get out of the vicinity immediately. The second aversion is more difficult. I actually didn't put two and two together about why it was happening until last night. I honestly thought it was just a problem.

My second aversion is my husband. I cannot stand his smell right now. I find this remarkably interesting because under non pregnant circumstances his scent is the most wonderful delight. Suddenly, I can tell when he walks into a room by his smell. The thing is, he does not smell like body odor. It is just a new smell. He hasn't changed anything, yet it is difficult for me to be around him. This is not all the time, but sometimes it is unbearable.

The hardest thing was telling him about it last night. I felt so bad, especially because he may have the best hygiene of any human I have ever met. Long story short, we came to realize that this aversion was due to my pregnancy. Luckily the internet played a hand in helping us realize that it isn't him at all. Just my nose playing tricks on me. This article about the Scent of a Man, was a God send.

After we found that other women have this same aversion we decided to do a couple of scent filled experiments. He placed a scented candle under my nose and I could barely smell it. Next was some lotion. I couldn't smell it at all. In fact, it seems that my sense of smell is not heightened but diminished. I would say that wonderful smells have become less prominent, maybe allowing for less pleasant smells to become more distinguishable. Weird right?

1st OB Appointment and changes

Last Thursday we had our first OB appointment. Below is the lil Bean.

According to the ultrasound I was 7 weeks and 5 days at the time of the appointment. This pushed up my estimated due date to April 10. As of this appointment (4 days ago), the embryo was 14.5 mm.

A lot is changing with me. Not necessarily my body, but my emotions. Mood swings are a new daily visitor. Yesterday we watched, "The Perfect Storm." I cried for nearly 5 minutes at the end. We are not talking a weepy cry. We're talking a cry from the gut as if I had personally known the characters in the movie. To me, nothing could have been more tragic at that very moment.

The other day we were walking to the gym. At the intersection a crossing guard was there to help us on our way. While waiting at the corner, a fire engine's siren began to blare in the background. The crossing guard walked into flowing traffic and stopped the cars so that the fire truck could get by quickly and without a worry. After the truck had passed, Lar and I walked across the street. I asked Larry if he thought it was as cool as I did that the guard walked into traffic. He responded that the guard was a, "hero." Right then and there I started crying. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and emotion for the crossing guard who made it just a little easier for the fire truck to get to their destination and possibly save a life.

Also, don't get me hungry. If I go more than a few hours without a bite I get snappy.

Whereas I am a mixed bag of emotions, my husband is an ANGEL. He is doing a great job keeping me calm, fed and constantly telling me that I am beautiful. Thank goodness for him and his ability to keep me grounded.

Feeling Crazy

In the last 6 days I have had 2 emotional outbursts that rendered me hysterical. On top of that, I feel super thick because I am bloated. Some women at 6 weeks cannot even tell a difference in their bodies. Because I started out 6 lbs heavier than I usually weigh, I feel gigantic AND I know I am only at the beginning of this whole process.

My outbursts came as a surprise to me, but Larry on the other hand, knew what I was experiencing was completely normal. He is reading, "What to Expect When You Are Expecting," and I am not. This has made Larry more prepared for some of the changes than I am. In fact, he was able to laugh off the outbursts while still managing to make sure I felt taken care of. He knew I wasn't nuts, just extra hormonal. I just felt crazy.

So, what were my outbursts about? Oh, well the first one was plain crazy. On Saturday night we stayed at a hotel while in Vegas. We were brushing our teeth and getting ready for bed in the bathroom which had the most horrendous lighting. Somehow, the lighting accentuated a vein that I have in my arm.

Now this vein is super pronounced for a reason. When I had my wisdom teeth removed over 10 years ago, there was a mistake made with the anesthesia. As a result I got phlebitis in the vein that they used to anesthetize me. The vein ended up collapsing and a smaller one to the left of the main vein took over. This vein, due to increased blood flow tends to stand out.

It doesn't look pronounced here, but it is in real life. I promise!

The thing is, I have never been bothered by it before. However, under the lighting in the bathroom at the Westin I saw it and almost passed out. It looked like a huge varicose vein running down my entire arm. It was popping out, dark and just plain gross. Seconds after the discovery of the newly accentuated vein I burst into tears. As pictured, it doesn't look as bad anymore. I think it was so bad because it was hot in Vegas and I just took a hot shower.

Larry started laughing but sat by my side comforting me. Like I said, he knew it was the hormones. I knew too, but that didn't help. The thing is, I don't usually cry. So this new crying for no reason situation is difficult for me to wrap my arms around. I think I had a total of 3 different moments that I broke into tears about the vein that night. Yes, 3 times!

On Tuesday night I got home and fell asleep on the couch until Larry got home from work. In the background a movie was on. When Lar got home I woke up and started watching the end of the movie. Larry was in the kitchen and asked me to come hang out with him. I went into the kitchen and we started chatting. A couple of minutes later I burst into tears and starting apologizing for being a horrible wife. I had no idea where it came from, but suddenly I felt like a bad spouse because I was fat.

My hips are hanging over my pants. Not normal for me.

Sitting up straight my tummy has rolls and I have an odd thickness to my waist and back

In reality, I know I am not fat. I am definitely a little pudgy right now, but fat is a bit of an extreme label. Again, Larry was able to laugh this one off, but I haven't been able to. I think this is where the balance of being pregnant starts to dual with my eating disorder past. I am eating healthy and exercising, but my body is changing. Despite expecting these changes this shift in body image is hard for me to grasp. Larry listened to me, hugged me when I needed it and told me he would love me if I gained 100 lbs during pregnancy. Well, as long as I eventually lost it.

Later I was on Facebook and my cousin Joree started a chat. I told her how I was feeling and she gave me a mantra. I AM NOT FAT, I AM PREGNANT. Although it seems simple and obvious, saying it out loud tends to center me and bring me back to reality. I use this mantra multiple times a day to get myself through the tough moments.

Mantra aside, I still went out and bought some new, looser tops today. I mean, a girl has to feel pretty when she gets dressed!

Welcome Kyle

On Friday, August 14 (1:35 am), after 25 1/2 (ouch!) hours of labor, Kyle Austin Sher was born at home. He weighed 9lbs 2oz and was 21.5" long. Mama and baby are doing fantastic!

My thoughts are the home birth are favorable. I thought the entire process was amazing.

Brad prepping the birth tub

Glenda's water broke at 12:30am on August 13th. During her 25 1/2 hours of labor she was able to "relax" at home. She had 2 of her close friends/massage therapists rubbing her through each contraction. She had another friend who had already been through the home birth process...twice, mentoring her. She was able to rest in her own bed and she even took a few walks in the swimming pool. Every person present seemed to have a role in the process. The doulla, Marcie, assigned me as the tough love sister.

Glenda walking in the pool with Marcie watching

The hard thing about a home birth (well, besides no epidural), is it seemed hard for Glenda to rest. I am sure that is the case with any birth, but in this case she had a tight knit group of ladies and a loving husband taking care of her. Glenda being the great host that she is, was more worried about everyone's level of entertainment vs. resting. As a result, she put unecessary pressure on herself to speed up the process. Well, that and she was ready to have the baby out. At this point, Glenda was 40 weeks and 2 days pregnant. She 100% thought she was going to deliver early, so when she went over the 40 weeks, she was more than ready.

Cheryl massaging Glenda

The great thing about the home birth is once the baby was born, Glenda got to crawl into bed with Kyle and rest. Before that, while in the tub the midwife didn't cut the umbilical cord right away. The time with the cord attached was given to Glenda to rest, appreciate the moment and bond with Kyle. Once the cord was cut, they crawled into bed. She was in her space, they examined him and she didn't have to stay in a hospital. The kids woke up about an hour after the delivery and ran into the room to welcome their new brother.

Kyle less than 24 hours old

The best part of all, because she was in water, the 9lb 2oz baby was able to make his way out without a tear or rip. Glenda went through the pains of labor, but now she will have less pain post partum and less recovery time.

Out of nowhere!

This morning I woke up feeling great. When the select few who know about my little peanut would ask how I was feeling, the answer was always, "I wouldn't even know I was pregnant." Well, as of 5 pm today that all changed.

One second I was feeling peachy keen, the next I was beyond nauseous. In fact, I ended up telling a friend/co-worker the news because I was not able to train the client I was working with. Luckily, she jumped into action and took over for me.

Now I am not kidding you when I say it changed in one second. Along with the nausea, my boobs suddenly started hurting. When I say hurt, I mean they went from being completely normal to more sensitive than they have ever been in my life.

When I left work, I drove over a few speed bumps. As the front wheels climbed the bump, I had no idea about what was in store. When the wheels made their way over the bump to the other side, my boobs bounced along with the movement. It hurt so bad that for a second I thought they fell off.

I take this all as great news. I want to feel the symptoms of pregnancy. I feel like the next 6 weeks are an odd waiting game. With each new symptom, I get closer to the prize...

Vegas for Baby

Good morning from Las Vegas! No, I am not here for a fun filled bender on the strip. Come on people!

My brother, Brad and sister-in-law, Glenda live in Vegas. Glenda was due yesterday with her 3rd child. Right now she is asleep on the couch in the office, the baby still safely nestled in her belly. At this point in her pregnancy, she is ready for the action to commence. Apparently, once you hit 40 weeks you are more than ready to meet the baby because everything is uncomfortable, including but not limited to eating, sitting, lying down, lifting kids, driving, and going to the bathroom. It seems no stone is left unturned in your body preparing you for the "get this baby out of me" phase.

While other women and families tend to have at least one set of parents present for major milestones or to visit grandkids, Glenda and Brad generally do not. I was present for the birth of my niece, Sydney (almost 5) and nephew, Dylan (2 1/2). I don't want to miss this one either. In most cases, I am the only immediate family available to help out before and after the baby is born or when someone is sick. Unfortunately, we don't live in the same city. Fortunately, we are only an hour flight apart.

Me with the Sher Family on Mother's Day

Glenda is from a small town in Ireland called Kavan. It is such a quaint place and her family is incredible. They visit as often as possible, but they are still a country and an ocean away. Brad, on the other hand has a bunch of family in Los Angeles.

Sadly, our dad doesn't really ever come up to visit. I think the current statistic is one visit per year, unless there is some emergency. Pleasure trips to visit the family are non existent. If my mom were alive, she would be here every month or two (my stepdad actually does come up that often). That was just her style. She would not want to miss out on the grandkids growing up. She would have also made sure to have been here for Glenda and Brad during this time. I don't think I am putting her on a pedestal when I say she was the epitome of what a mom is and I miss her a lot at these times. I am sure Brad does too, although he doesn't readily admit it.

I am sure you are wondering how Brad and Glenda met if he is from LA and she is from Ireland. No she is not a mail order bride! Brad and I went to Australia to celebrate my graduating from college and to spend some quality time together on the eve of the one year anniversary of our mom's passing. Brad decided to extend his trip and I decided to leave the trip a day early. Rather than stay in a hotel, Brad decided to find a hostel. Long story short, he met Glenda that night, March 16, 2001, at the hostel on the one year anniversary of losing our mom. They had weeks to travel New Zealand and Australia together. I feel like my mom was somehow involved in arranging it so that Brad would meet Glenda on that particular day. Ever since, she has filled his saddened heart with a new joy.

Back to my story, Glenda may be the cutest pregnant lady I have ever seen. She doesn't look pregnant from behind. She has a huge tummy only visible from the front or side view. Considering I have already gained a few, I do not expect to carry like her. She is non-stop action: picking up the two kids, running around after them, swimming with them, etc. She is a pregnant super hero in my eyes.

Pregnant Glenda swimming with Kids

Seriously?

I am here until Sunday and hope she that delivers before I leave. Glenda is doing a home birth. She will have a midwife, a doulla, a massage therapist, friends and family present for Kyle's grand entrance. She has already experienced two children the "traditional" way, in the hospital. This time she would like to try a more natural and less stressful approach. She will deliver Kyle in a birthing tub filled with water. There will be no IVs or monitors, just those present and her experience. She will be able to eat up until the last second and walk around when she feels necessary. Everyone expected to attend provided a list of their suggested songs. We turned that into a 6 hour compilation they will play during the birthing process.

Kids Playing in Birthing Tub

Sydney and Dylan are so excited for the birth. They have both watched home birthing videos and seem to totally understand what is going on. Dylan comes in from school everyday asking to watch the birthing video. The kids have seen that there is blood involved but are not afraid in the slightest. They have had great questions and love being a part of the process. One of my favorite questions from Sydney is, "Mommy why doesn't the baby come out of the butt instead? It is so much bigger!"

One theory about home birth is that some children feel alienated or jealous of a new sibling joining the family. By allowing the kids to be a part of the process they will feel more involved with the new baby as a whole and in turn be more accepting of its arrival. According to the midwife, pregnancy is not a medical condition. It is a natural process that the body knows how to accomplish. The only reason Glenda would end up in the hospital is if the baby is in distress or there is a complication that turns it into a medical condition. Glenda's midwife has delivered over 2000 babies and only 1 case ended up in the hospital. If for some reason a complication occurs the hospital is just down the street. Less than 5 minutes.

On my end, I can't wait to witness a home birth vs a hospital birth. I have probably seen more than a woman with no kids who is now pregnant should see. I wonder if the home birth will seem a lot more gentle despite no epidural. I'll keep you posted...

Off to Celebrate

On Friday night Lar and I went on a date to celebrate. We had a lovely evening. Our plan was to go to Little Dom's: an Italian restaurant in Los Feliz. Unfortunately, we did not make a reservation so those plans fell through. After an easy search we landed at a cute Italian restaurant that we had been to once before, Il Carpacio. The food was delicious, although the night ended much earlier than usual. On the plus side, our bill was much less expensive without the one or two glasses of wine I may have consumed.

Before we got our food, Larry made a toast. He toasted with wine and I, of course, with my water. Actually it was Lar's water. I always get water with no ice, but finished mine so quickly that I had to toast with his. I have noticed that I am much thirstier than usual. I always need water or am thinking about when I can get my next refill.

A Toast to Baby

Besides the great dinner and greater company, I could not help but getting concerned over food and weight. I know I am only 4 weeks along, but already food has become an issue. Am I supposed to eat when I am hungry? How much should I eat? I guess one of the reasons for my concern is that I am already 6 pounds heavier than my normal weight. Well, that and I was bulimic from 15 - 20. While I haven't been for over 10 years, the emotional attachment to food is hard to kick.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, I had shoulder surgery 1.5 months ago. Without my regular exercise, I put on a few. Now that I am pregnant, I feel like I am starting out with a disadvantage. I want to give the baby all of the nutrients he/she needs, but I also want to make sure that I stay emotionally healthy around my food issues. I know I can do it. I will always favor the baby. All I am saying is that it is already tough.

All issues aside, the food was delicious. See for yourself...

Lar's Lasagna

My Bolognese

Now What?

Yesterday I called my OB to tell the office the good news. That afternoon they sent me to a lab to get my blood work.

This morning I got the phone call. Maria, the nurse (who I love) left a message. She said, "blood results have confirmed that you are pregnant. Your progesterone levels look normal. Let's schedule your first OB appointment. Congratulations."

I ran upstairs to find Larry. He was brushing his teeth. Once he was done (it can take a while), I played the message for him. This is the call that we didn't even know we were waiting for. Suddenly, we both got excited.

Over the last 48 hours I have also registered on BabyCenter.com. One of the first things you can determine on the site is your due date. I found the calculator and entered in the date of my last period, July 5, 2009. According to Baby Center my due date is April 11, 2010. I am 4 weeks along and my baby is the size of a poppyseed.

The poppyseed in comparison to a quarter

My first appointment is August 27. Lar and I are going together. I'll update as I learn more or as I experience whatever it is that I am going to experience.

On a side note, why doesn't anyone talk about the cramping that comes along with the early stage of pregnancy? I had never heard about it in the past (I know a lot of mommies), but now that I have said it and told my doctor, everyone says they had it too. It literally feels like I am about to get my period. Guess not.

The Hubby's Reaction

Larry (husband) was not home when I took the test. I didn't want to tell him over the phone for 2 reasons: 1. I wanted to see his reaction and 2. he is a writer and I knew this would break his ability to concentrate. For this reason, I must suggest taking a pregnancy test when your significant other is around. I now had a huge secret and I wanted to share it!

Countdown begins: t-minus 5 hours until I get to share the news with the husband.

After I took the positive test, I emailed Larry telling him that I was excited for him to come home. He immediately emailed back reminding me that he was working late, but then asked why I was excited. Then without me saying anything he said, "ooh, did you get me something from Costco?" I had to think quickly on my feet. "Yes," I replied.

The rest of the conversation goes as follows:

Larry -will I see it when I walk in the house?

Sam (that's me) - I could make that happen if you want.

Larry - Oh, so it's not big, huh? bummer.

Sam - I think you will like it.

Larry - Give me a hint.

Sam - It is life changing.

Larry - Ooh, did you get me a tie rack? Another bbq?

Sam - I don't knooow...you'll have to see when you get home.

Larry - Ok. fine. Can't wait to come home.

After we hung up, I had about 30 minutes to kill before my friend came to dinner. I wanted to call and tell the world, but also knew that it is/was too risky to tell people so early. More than anything, I wanted to call my mom. My mom passed away March 16, 2000. Not having her around to share in the news was a difficult moment. I allowed myself to process my sadness and then I called my brother.

My friend and I went to dinner at PF Chang's. I thought I would be able to hold it in for sure, but I ended up telling her the news. I mean, it was almost impossible to have kept it a secret. She got married the weekend after we did and we have sort of been on the same track (until now).

Long story short, I told her the story you just read above. Then she asked how I was going to tell Larry. Together we decided to go to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy a tie rack. That was after all, what he joked about wanting. I placed the pregnancy test in the box with the rack inside some bubble wrap and put a post it that said, "read me" on the test. Then I placed a post it on the plastic wrap that read, "take me out." Finally, I placed a post it on the outside of the box, "open me." I wrapped the gift and wrote, "Suprise for Laurence" on the box.

He called me on the ride home, still questioning what the potential surprise could be. Then he said, "ooh the pair of adidas I have been wanting." That was the idea he stuck with. When he got home he saw the wrapped box that had very similar measurements to a shoe box. He was sure it was the Adidas.

Larry opened the box and started laughing when he saw the box for the tie rack, but still was clueless about what was coming. Next, he noticed the post it note on the outside of the box and followed the directions to open the box. He opened the box to find the post it saying, "take me out" on the bubble wrap. After what seemed like an eternity he got to the note that said "read me" accompanied by the test. Smiling he said, "what's this?" Then it registered, his face went blank and he was speechless. The poor guy just worked an exhausting 12 hour day and I just sprung this on him. Shock would be the understatement of the year by the look on his face and his lack of response.

The breaking news was finally reported. To confirm what he saw on the stick we took another test at 11:30 -- it was positive! Okay, this is now the real deal. Then with the two tests in hand, we took another picture.

Larry's reaction

I think today (Aug 6) is the first day that Larry has come out of his shocked state. He hasn't really had time to process nor have we had time together. We are both looking forward to this weekend. Oh, and he said he has already started thinking about names. Here we go!

I'm What?!

I have no idea about when I ovulate or where I am in my cycle. I knew that the first day of my last period was July 5. On August 4, I decided to take a pregnancy test fully expecting it to read "negative." Mind you, this is not the first test I have ever taken, but it is the first I have taken while trying to not try. In the past I took a test out of fear that I may be pregnant. This time it was a whole different story.

The thing is, I have had a rough month so I really, truly did not believe that we would conceive the first time out of the gates. I went to my OBGYN on July 16th for a routine check up. I figured now that I had been to the doctor, we could play without worries. For one week, we played and played. The following week I got a phone call from the doctor saying that I had an abnormal test result and they wanted to do a biopsy to be sure all was fine. On July 27, I went in for a cervical biopsy. It HURT more than I could ever explain. That night I got a call that my brother was in the hospital.

Long story short, he was really sick in the hospital for days before they diagnosed him with viral meningitis. He is married with 2 kids and one about to arrive any time. Unfortunately, as pregnant as she was, his wife could not stay by his side. My brother is my best friend so when I found out he was alone, I drove to Vegas (he lives there) to be with him. I stayed in Vegas Wednesday through Sunday. Happily, my bro is home now, but still on the road to recovery.

On Monday I called my doctor to find out the test results, but they had already closed shop for the day. The next morning I called first thing. Results were negative! I called my husband, we celebrated for a moment over the phone and then went on with our merry day.

That evening I went to Costco and saw that they sell 4 packs of pregnancy tests. I bought the pack thinking it would come in handy over the next couple of months. When I got home, I decided to take a test just to prove that I wasn't pregnant. After all, I had and still have cramping and feel like I am getting my period. I took the test at 5:50 pm, 5 hours before my husband came home. I didn't think about waiting for him to take the test because I was sure it was negative. Boy was I wrong!

Holy Crap, I'm Pregnant

I couldn't believe the results, I immediately called my best friend, told her and sent her the above picture for her to confirm what I was sure was impossible.

She did.

I freaked.

I couldn't believe my husband was working late this night of all nights. So I emailed him saying I was excited for him to come home.

Let's try without trying

Two days ago (August 4) I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I decided in May that we would "have fun"after my shoulder surgery, which was June 17. By "have fun" we meant, let's go off of the pill, but not actively work at getting pregnant. If it happens it happens. Well, it happened and it happened fast. After only the first month of "having fun" we have conceived.

Actually, I am not quite as excited as I feel like I should be. With so many friends who have miscarried their first, I find myself more nervous than anything. I'd say we are cautiously optimistic at this point.

That being said, we feel so lucky that this has happened so quickly. I don't know if every woman feels this way, but I was scared for so long that I would not be able to get pregnant. Obviously this was unfounded, but you don't know what you don't know. Up until now, I haven't tried to get pregnant so I had no idea if I could.

With 2 nieces and 4 nephews (well, almost 4 -- Kyle is due next week), I used to think I was better prepared for this process. Ends up, I'm not. I had no idea that I would already have so many questions. Unfortunately, my mom passed away almost 10 years ago, so I feel a bit disadvantaged when it comes to asking questions. Basically, my maternal line is almost non-existent. While I know I have friends and amazing family members that I can ask about the experience, there is nothing like your mom. Now while celebrating the journey of bringing a baby to life, I also mourn my mother more than ever.

I have just figured out why I am writing. This blog is about preparing to be a mommy and going through it without my mommy. I have titled this blog "Sweet Pea and Me" because my mom and grandma called me Sweet Pea.