Missing Mom

Last night was the first time that I felt overwhelmingly sad about going through this process without my mom.

After watching, "The Perfect Storm," I fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours. I woke up, not because I felt refreshed, but because of horrible cramping. One of my least favorite 1st trimester symptoms is the constant cramping. My OB said it was perfectly normal, especially because I cramped before pregnancy. She said that the uterus does what it knows and mine knows cramping.

As I was tossing and turning on the couch trying to find a comfortable position, all I wanted was to call my mom and just talk. I wanted to talk about nothing and everything but at least have her there to tell her how I was feeling and to get her advice. Did she have the same cramping during pregnancy? Would she laugh at my stories of nonsensical hysterics, especially considering I don't usually cry?

Just to spend a couple of minutes or longer on the phone to share. That's it. Sadly, I will never have that. I don't get my mom. I don't get to share this experience with her. I don't get to call her when I feel like no one else understands me specifically. That option is not available. What is available is her memory and deciding for myself what she would say to me during the times I would need her most. Sometimes that is enough. Last night it wasn't.

Sometimes I just wish. I wish that she could come over and hang with me on the couch or that I could go visit her; just her presence, she wouldn't even need to do anything, just be there. It doesn't matter how old I am or what phase of life I may be in, I'll always miss my mommy. Today, I am sad that she cannot share in what the lives of her children and extended family have to offer.

I also miss my Grandma Pearl very much right now. When the three of us (Pearl, Max and Sam) would hang out, we always had the greatest time. Sometimes it is weird because I feel like I have no one left in my maternal line. But I am left and I have a wonderful cousin Erica (my mom's niece) who may as well have been my mom's daughter. I think it is time to establish more of a relationship with her.