Feeling Crazy

In the last 6 days I have had 2 emotional outbursts that rendered me hysterical. On top of that, I feel super thick because I am bloated. Some women at 6 weeks cannot even tell a difference in their bodies. Because I started out 6 lbs heavier than I usually weigh, I feel gigantic AND I know I am only at the beginning of this whole process.

My outbursts came as a surprise to me, but Larry on the other hand, knew what I was experiencing was completely normal. He is reading, "What to Expect When You Are Expecting," and I am not. This has made Larry more prepared for some of the changes than I am. In fact, he was able to laugh off the outbursts while still managing to make sure I felt taken care of. He knew I wasn't nuts, just extra hormonal. I just felt crazy.

So, what were my outbursts about? Oh, well the first one was plain crazy. On Saturday night we stayed at a hotel while in Vegas. We were brushing our teeth and getting ready for bed in the bathroom which had the most horrendous lighting. Somehow, the lighting accentuated a vein that I have in my arm.

Now this vein is super pronounced for a reason. When I had my wisdom teeth removed over 10 years ago, there was a mistake made with the anesthesia. As a result I got phlebitis in the vein that they used to anesthetize me. The vein ended up collapsing and a smaller one to the left of the main vein took over. This vein, due to increased blood flow tends to stand out.

It doesn't look pronounced here, but it is in real life. I promise!

The thing is, I have never been bothered by it before. However, under the lighting in the bathroom at the Westin I saw it and almost passed out. It looked like a huge varicose vein running down my entire arm. It was popping out, dark and just plain gross. Seconds after the discovery of the newly accentuated vein I burst into tears. As pictured, it doesn't look as bad anymore. I think it was so bad because it was hot in Vegas and I just took a hot shower.

Larry started laughing but sat by my side comforting me. Like I said, he knew it was the hormones. I knew too, but that didn't help. The thing is, I don't usually cry. So this new crying for no reason situation is difficult for me to wrap my arms around. I think I had a total of 3 different moments that I broke into tears about the vein that night. Yes, 3 times!

On Tuesday night I got home and fell asleep on the couch until Larry got home from work. In the background a movie was on. When Lar got home I woke up and started watching the end of the movie. Larry was in the kitchen and asked me to come hang out with him. I went into the kitchen and we started chatting. A couple of minutes later I burst into tears and starting apologizing for being a horrible wife. I had no idea where it came from, but suddenly I felt like a bad spouse because I was fat.

My hips are hanging over my pants. Not normal for me.

Sitting up straight my tummy has rolls and I have an odd thickness to my waist and back

In reality, I know I am not fat. I am definitely a little pudgy right now, but fat is a bit of an extreme label. Again, Larry was able to laugh this one off, but I haven't been able to. I think this is where the balance of being pregnant starts to dual with my eating disorder past. I am eating healthy and exercising, but my body is changing. Despite expecting these changes this shift in body image is hard for me to grasp. Larry listened to me, hugged me when I needed it and told me he would love me if I gained 100 lbs during pregnancy. Well, as long as I eventually lost it.

Later I was on Facebook and my cousin Joree started a chat. I told her how I was feeling and she gave me a mantra. I AM NOT FAT, I AM PREGNANT. Although it seems simple and obvious, saying it out loud tends to center me and bring me back to reality. I use this mantra multiple times a day to get myself through the tough moments.

Mantra aside, I still went out and bought some new, looser tops today. I mean, a girl has to feel pretty when she gets dressed!